Rude Boy: Uh, no, I haven't.
Missionary: (ridiculously perky)
Why not?!
*
History teacher: And another
theory is that neckties are supposed to point the way to your crotch.
I purposely wore a necktie today, and you can see how it does, in
fact, point to my crotch. Now in case I get in a car accident today,
I don't want your last memory of me to be of me talking about my
crotch, so I'm going to say a couple more things.
*
Rude Nephew: So I think my friend
Jim knocked some girl up again.
*
History teacher: There are so
many ridiculous kitchen gadgets in this day and age. You don't need
an avocado peeler. I got news for you, you already have an avocado
peeler, it's called a knife.
*
Stopping for gas late one night,
I noticed a bunch of thuggish young men surrounded by the type of
young women who hang out with thuggish young men, crowding around the
door. Then I got closer and heard them
speaking in Russian. My kneejerk reaction was to calm
down immediately, because, oh, foreigners, ie harmless and
friendly. Not sure what that says about me.
*
Female friend: I feel like I'm
banging my head against a concrete wall. Except the front instead of
the back, you know?
*
Chinese Politics teacher: I have
a YouTube video here, let me just show you a little of what Macau is
all about.
*loud Beyblade commercial plays*
*
Politics teacher: Of course,
France has a long history of acculturation. No matter where you were
born if you learn to speak French and learn French culture and can,
you know, identify 24 different types of cheeses by smell, then
you're French.
Hot French girl: (laughing in delight)
I thought it was pretty stunning
in comparison to Japan, where if you're not born Japanese you will
never be Japanese.
*
Rude Boy: Hey, if there's grass
on the field, play ball.
President: What if there could
be grass, but it's mowed?
*
President: Well, I guess I should
start getting ready for my rope-bondage thing pretty quick. I'd say
“wanna come,” but I don't think it's quite your thing.
Later:
President: Sorry about that,
couldn't text for a while
Rude Boy: Oh yeah? Were you...a
little tied up?
And the next day:
President: Oh, when you come
over, I need to show you something I learned last night that's like,
super quick and so damn handy. You can restrain a girls hands in like
10seconds
Rude Boy: Best text message ever
*
Remember how President and I have
a running joke that every time we have a History class together,
something terrible happens in Japan? The first time, we took a course
together and the 2011 earthquake happened. Then last year, we took
another one together and Kyouto flooded.
Then last semester I decided to
sit in one of her History classes, just for fun, and that very
fucking day Juuso Eki caught the fuck on fire.
*
Jugs: Last week Valentino said
“Yeah, there was a whole episode of Dr. Oz about that.” It was
the gayest thing he's ever said, and he talks about making out with
dudes.
*
I gave both President and Jugs
white chocolate for White Day. I wasn't dating either of them, but in
my mind it's not just about that – in my interpretation, it can also be a day to just generally appreciate all the women who make your life that much better.
As if you need a reason.
*
30's white girl's shoulder
tattoo: 性的
(Maybe
she meant “sexy?”)
*
President: Great, so on Monday
night we'll come back here, fuck, and then figure out something for
dinner.
*
Jugs: “This cabinet requires
two people to assemble.”
Jugs's sister: Challenge
accepted.
*
Rude Coworker: (teaching Rude Boy
how to do temperatures) So yeah, then you basically just go around
sticking it in all of them.
Rude Boy: That's how I've lived
my life so far.
Rude Coworker: (slowly raises
fist for pound)
*
Rude Boy: Not sure I can stay. I
don't have any clothes.
President: If you were a girl and
we were lesbians, you could just borrow some of my clothes!
*
Driving through a rural area, I
suddenly came upon what looked like an enormous black dog, walking
down the road away from me. With no time to slow down but with plenty
of room, I thought I'd just cruise past it, when for no goddamned
reason it swerved towards me and I saw that it was actually a
young black bear. I tried to get away but it impacted with a thunk.
I loosed an articulate
“Grrrwuuughhhh!” and then, like a responsible, moral human being,
continued driving. Well, if it was injured, what the fuck could I have done? More importantly, what if wasn't, but now it was
pissed off because it had just been hit by a car?
By some miracle, it impacted
right between the headlight and the wheel, so the car was fine, and I
was fine, and I don't know whether the bear was fine, because they're
pretty tough, but it also got hit in the face with a 1500-pound
bullet travelling more than a hundred kilometres an hour. But I got
the vehicle's first dent, with kind of a cool story to go with it,
because everybody's hit a deer (I haven't, actually), but how many
people can say they've hit a bear?
*
President's gay co-worker: (about
Lock-Up) So who was that hottie you were with?
President: Oh, that was my really
good friend from Japan.
President's gay co-worker: Really
good friend?
President: I wish.
President's gay co-worker: Aww,
why not!
*
Rude Right-Hand Man: (dating pulls) And
these are good for two days...
Rude Boy: You're good for two
days.
Rude Right-Hand Man: I expire after 24
hours, actually.
Rude Boy: Oh.
Rude Right-Hand Man: It's good though...it
means I contain less sodium, so I'm better for you.
*
Lock-Up: (in English) Whaaaaat?
Germany was in both wars? And it lost twice? Poor
Germany!
*
Rude Grandfather: ...I think it
would make more sense if they legalized marijuana, and criminalized
Brussels sprouts.
*
President: Lock-Up's going over
to Hiro's to play Mario Kart.
Rude Boy: Right...she's going
over to Hiro's to “play Mario Kart.” At 10 o'clock at night.
President: Nooo! I don't think
she's as slutty this year!
*
Co-worker: Me and (other
co-worker) are going out again tonight.
Rude Boy: I thought you vowed
never to go out with him again after he fell asleep in the bathroom
at Denny's for three hours.
Co-worker: We decided not to go
to Denny's this time.
Rude Boy: I think you might be
missing the point.
*
President: One of my staff told
me today that his most disliked word is “cunt,” and another one told me her most disliked word is “moist.” So I kept going around saying “moist cunt” to both of them.
*
President: What's the point in
playing a female character if you can't admire the womanly curves?
*
President: Japan's population
fell by a record number this year.
Rude Boy: Hm...well I don't think
I can solve that problem by myself, but I'm willing to try.
