Kanadajin Tales! Everyone Rude Boy knows is inappropriate

Cute upbeat smiley young blonde Mormon missionary: Do you have a belief in Jesus Christ?

Rude Boy: Uh, no, I haven't.

Missionary: (ridiculously perky) Why not?!

*

History teacher: And another theory is that neckties are supposed to point the way to your crotch. I purposely wore a necktie today, and you can see how it does, in fact, point to my crotch. Now in case I get in a car accident today, I don't want your last memory of me to be of me talking about my crotch, so I'm going to say a couple more things.

*

Rude Nephew: So I think my friend Jim knocked some girl up again.

*

History teacher: There are so many ridiculous kitchen gadgets in this day and age. You don't need an avocado peeler. I got news for you, you already have an avocado peeler, it's called a knife.

*

Stopping for gas late one night, I noticed a bunch of thuggish young men surrounded by the type of young women who hang out with thuggish young men, crowding around the door. Then I got closer and heard them speaking in Russian. My kneejerk reaction was to calm down immediately, because, oh, foreigners, ie harmless and friendly. Not sure what that says about me.

*

Female friend: I feel like I'm banging my head against a concrete wall. Except the front instead of the back, you know?

*

Chinese Politics teacher: I have a YouTube video here, let me just show you a little of what Macau is all about.

*loud Beyblade commercial plays*

*

Politics teacher: Of course, France has a long history of acculturation. No matter where you were born if you learn to speak French and learn French culture and can, you know, identify 24 different types of cheeses by smell, then you're French.

Hot French girl: (laughing in delight)

I thought it was pretty stunning in comparison to Japan, where if you're not born Japanese you will never be Japanese.

*

Rude Boy: Hey, if there's grass on the field, play ball.

President: What if there could be grass, but it's mowed?

*

President: Well, I guess I should start getting ready for my rope-bondage thing pretty quick. I'd say “wanna come,” but I don't think it's quite your thing.

Later:

President: Sorry about that, couldn't text for a while

Rude Boy: Oh yeah? Were you...a little tied up?

And the next day:

President: Oh, when you come over, I need to show you something I learned last night that's like, super quick and so damn handy. You can restrain a girls hands in like 10seconds

Rude Boy: Best text message ever

*

Remember how President and I have a running joke that every time we have a History class together, something terrible happens in Japan? The first time, we took a course together and the 2011 earthquake happened. Then last year, we took another one together and Kyouto flooded.

Then last semester I decided to sit in one of her History classes, just for fun, and that very fucking day Juuso Eki caught the fuck on fire.

*

Jugs: Last week Valentino said “Yeah, there was a whole episode of Dr. Oz about that.” It was the gayest thing he's ever said, and he talks about making out with dudes.

*

I gave both President and Jugs white chocolate for White Day. I wasn't dating either of them, but in my mind it's not just about that – in my interpretation, it can also be a day to just generally appreciate all the women who make your life that much better.

As if you need a reason.

*

30's white girl's shoulder tattoo: 性的

(Maybe she meant “sexy?”)

*

President: Great, so on Monday night we'll come back here, fuck, and then figure out something for dinner.

*

Jugs: “This cabinet requires two people to assemble.”

Jugs's sister: Challenge accepted.

*

Rude Coworker: (teaching Rude Boy how to do temperatures) So yeah, then you basically just go around sticking it in all of them.

Rude Boy: That's how I've lived my life so far.

Rude Coworker: (slowly raises fist for pound)

*

Rude Boy: Not sure I can stay. I don't have any clothes.

President: If you were a girl and we were lesbians, you could just borrow some of my clothes!

*

Driving through a rural area, I suddenly came upon what looked like an enormous black dog, walking down the road away from me. With no time to slow down but with plenty of room, I thought I'd just cruise past it, when for no goddamned reason it swerved towards me and I saw that it was actually a young black bear. I tried to get away but it impacted with a thunk.

I loosed an articulate “Grrrwuuughhhh!” and then, like a responsible, moral human being, continued driving. Well, if it was injured, what the fuck could I have done? More importantly, what if wasn't, but now it was pissed off because it had just been hit by a car?

By some miracle, it impacted right between the headlight and the wheel, so the car was fine, and I was fine, and I don't know whether the bear was fine, because they're pretty tough, but it also got hit in the face with a 1500-pound bullet travelling more than a hundred kilometres an hour. But I got the vehicle's first dent, with kind of a cool story to go with it, because everybody's hit a deer (I haven't, actually), but how many people can say they've hit a bear?

*

President's gay co-worker: (about Lock-Up) So who was that hottie you were with?

President: Oh, that was my really good friend from Japan.

President's gay co-worker: Really good friend?

President: I wish.

President's gay co-worker: Aww, why not!

*

Rude Right-Hand Man: (dating pulls) And these are good for two days...

Rude Boy: You're good for two days.

Rude Right-Hand Man: I expire after 24 hours, actually.

Rude Boy: Oh.

Rude Right-Hand Man: It's good though...it means I contain less sodium, so I'm better for you.

*

Lock-Up: (in English) Whaaaaat? Germany was in both wars? And it lost twice? Poor Germany!

*

Rude Grandfather: ...I think it would make more sense if they legalized marijuana, and criminalized Brussels sprouts.

*

President: Lock-Up's going over to Hiro's to play Mario Kart.

Rude Boy: Right...she's going over to Hiro's to “play Mario Kart.” At 10 o'clock at night.

President: Nooo! I don't think she's as slutty this year!

*

Co-worker: Me and (other co-worker) are going out again tonight.

Rude Boy: I thought you vowed never to go out with him again after he fell asleep in the bathroom at Denny's for three hours.

Co-worker: We decided not to go to Denny's this time.

Rude Boy: I think you might be missing the point.

*

President: One of my staff told me today that his most disliked word is “cunt,” and another one told me her most disliked word is “moist.” So I kept going around saying “moist cunt” to both of them.

*

President: What's the point in playing a female character if you can't admire the womanly curves?

*

President: Japan's population fell by a record number this year.

Rude Boy: Hm...well I don't think I can solve that problem by myself, but I'm willing to try.

Kanadajin Tales!

Just because I'm not a gaijin at the moment doesn't mean that the people around me have stopped saying hilarious things.

*

President: I don't really go to that bar much anymore. Not since my one friend got knocked up with twins and the other one moved to PoCo to be a stripper.

*

President: You gonna walk me all the way to my class again?

Rude Boy: Yeah, I always have plenty of time to make it all the way over there and then get back to mine.

President: “Plenty of time” meaning “less than five minutes late?”

Rude Boy: Sometimes ten.

*

Rude Boy: Magma is beneath the earth, lava has already surfaced. Though I don't know why you need two words. I mean what the fuck do you call water when it's still underground?

Friend: Groundwater.

Rude Boy: Um, ok, what do you call gold when it—

Friend: Groundgold.

*

Rude Boy: How's Valentino?

Jugs: He's being detained under the Mental Health Act in a hospital in Salmon Arm.

(beat)

Rude Boy: Why Salmon Arm?

*

Rude Boy: I really badly want to learn more Korean.

Jugs: Maybe you need a Korean girlfriend.

Rude Boy: Maybe. There's a pretty hot K-girl that I see around campus sometimes.

Jugs: Well, get on that! (beat) Literally!

*

Jugs: The Chinese girl at Subway made me a terrible sub and I'm really upset about it! Lol

Rude Boy: Yeah? Cause id really like to...“eat her sandwich.”

*

President's ex-boyfriend: The job market's pretty much shit everywhere. Like my friend in Kentucky, he says, “I theoretically know how to manufacture bioweapons, and I'm working in a cafeteria! Serving bioweapons!”

*

Driving down a long, straight, four-lane stretch of road at 1 am, I saw a few teenagers standing around. One was crouched next to the curb, but I assumed he was just readying himself for a fast-action jaywalk when I passed – until, that is, he ran straight at my car, actually leading me a little. I swerved away and sharply accelerated, then loosed a blast from the horn, which, unfortunately, was probably very much to their satisfaction, but felt kind of necessary, since I was now hurtling through an uncontrolled intersection going the wrong way.

The game, I surmise, was to try and touch me as I passed, which struck me as an exceptionally stupid pastime. Setting aside how much it would hurt to touch 1000 pounds of metal travelling at 60+ kph, what if, you know, I had run him the fuck over? I tried to decide if I'd have played such a game when I was in high school. Yeah I totally would have. But you know what. Bullfighting, BASE jumping, driving at face-melting speeds, doing face-melting amounts of heroin – I totally identify with the need to slap death on the ass. Go out and do what you have to. But for God's sake, if you're going to risk your life for the thrill of it, don't implicate anybody else! I love driving, don't fucking ruin that for me.

Although, I'm sure they weren't doing this to push themselves to the limit and conquer the last enemy that shall be destroyed. They were probably just idiots.

*

Rude Boy: Damn, looks like the hot Chinese girl from Subway has a boyfriend! Better think of a way to break them up.

Jugs: That should NOT be your first reaction.

Rude Boy: What, like I'm going to sleep with her while they're still dating?! That would just be immoral!

President: You're a terrible person.

*

Rude Boy's father: Do you charge your phone every night? Or whenever it is you sleep?

*

Rude Boy: They're razing the doutonnbori bridge to make way for an outdoor swimming pool ARE YOU ACTUALLY KIDDING ME HASHIMOTO WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

President: Umm k?

President: Outdoor pool = Osaka girls in bikins tho? Lol

Rude Boy: ...down with the doutonbori bridge

President: Lol

*

Rude Boy: I'm putting all my stuff together on top of the fridge. So don't try to set things on fire with the beer or drink the butane.

*

President: Hey, sup.

Rude Boy: Hey Sugartits.

President and friend: (blink)

President: I guess that's my new nickname. I'm not even going to question it.

*

Classmate: (hands Rude Boy a printout)

Rude Boy: Thanks. You should be a quarterback.

Classmate: ...because of my pass?

Other classmate: That joke was bad and you should feel bad.

*

Politics major girl: She and I had a prior class together.

Rude Boy: You had a pirate class together?!

Politics major girl: A prior class.

Rude Boy: Oh, I got excited for a minute there. I thought maybe this was a new program they were offering this year, like you could get your Major in Piracy or something.

Politics major girl: I think you can, it's called “Business.”

*

Jugs: Is it still cold as tits out?

Rude Boy: Nah, it warmed up.

Jugs: Hm. I'll take two jackets anyway, it might be cold as tits again later.

*

Jugs: Valentino's a straight gay man. He's completely straight, but he dates dudes. It's weird.

*

Driving home one day, doing about 90 down a long straight stretch, a deer jumped out at me. Like a moron I hit my brakes and swerved too hard (luckily the animal immediately went “Nope, fuck this” and bounded away), and unfortunately it turned out I was on black ice, you know, just for good measure. 

 completely lost control and was pretty much just along for the ride from here on in. My entire vehicle swung around 270 degrees, so that I was now perpendicular to the road, with still going what had to have been at least 70 or higher, which is generally faster than you want to be going when you're travelling straight sideways. My rear wheels carved a huge scar through the snow as I slid but, incredibly, I didn't hit anything other than a few withered weeds. And this is going to sound like posturing, but at no point during this did I feel at all alarmed or frightened, but just like, well, nothing to do now but wait until we stop. It was interesting.

Once I finally slid to a halt, a looong way down the road, I sort of sat there for a moment to see if anything else was going to happen, then, when I realised it wasn't, I set the car into gear, eased back onto the road, and continued on my way, except ratcheting things down to 60.

Coincidentally, a mechanic later looked over my winter tires and was like “lolno” – still good tread left, but grown hard as tits. To recap, deer, black ice, bad tires – so, completely my fault, but also kind of not. I am kind of glad I had the experience though, as I now know what it feels like to spin around and to slide like that. But perhaps more to the point, it was a goddamn miracle that it happened on a straight stretch.

*

Jugs: I have three boyfriends and two girlfriends...except one of my boyfriends broke up with me because I wouldn't stop sleeping with his ex-boyfriend...and one of my girlfriends has a Japanese boyfriend who doesn't know about me.

Rude Boy: I'm going to quote that in Kandajin Tales and provide no context whatsoever.

*

Jugs's coworker: My hair today is ri-dyke-ulous! (beat) It's funny because I'm a dyke.

Gaijin Tales! Wrapping up

I accrue Gaijin Tales anecdotes gradually and throw them up on the blog when I have a bunch. I've maintained a fairly consistent schedule of doing one every 2-3 months, but that doesn't always have much to do with when a particular story took place, as I often remember and then write down things that happened long before. Keep that in mind as you read what will be the last Gaijin Tales for a while.

*

Rude Boy: three strangers in two days have treated me like a normal human being!

Jugs: Nice!

*

Insufferable Dumbass, listen to me. You're not taking on an enemy army. You're not fleeing the cops. You're not even performing a complex and sensitive science experiment. You're making dinner. Calm the fuck down.

*

On my last visit to the Pokemon Centre, during Deranged Dave's stay, I picked up a few more Pikachus. Until that point I'd actually assumed there was only a set for the respective city of each store; I was dead wrong. It may have been limited sale, but anyway, I picked up some representatives for Kyouto, Koube, and Nara. The Kyouto one was Pikachu wearing a Shinsengumi uniform! Only, this raises the question of whether or not I now have to collect every single one produced.

Um. Let's say no.

Then Mother Russia went on vacation and brought me back an Okinawa charm as a present. It's Eevee, which is different from the rest of the set...but it's from Mother Russia, so who cares. :3

*

One thing I've noticed about drilling Korean vocabulary is how useful it is to see the hanja. It seems that Korea still uses traditional characters, but obviously I can still read them for meaning even if I can't write them. This is quite helpful for remembering not only the pronunciation of many words (such as seonbae, a direct cognate from 先輩), but even the words themselves; “desk,” for example, is chaeksang, which is fine and all, but much easier to call to mind if you know that is written 册床、i.e. a “book-bed.”

This raises a question: I would assume that most beginning English-language Korean textbooks don't show the hanja, since it would be meaningless for most, so how the hell are you supposed to learn all these words? I guess it's just rote memorization, which, admittedly, I had to do to learn both the equivalent Japanese words and their kanji, but I sure am glad I don't have to start from zero again.

*

For a while there, every time I would go to 7-11, Cologne would ask where I was headed. Rather than simply answer him, like a normal human being, I would always say “Your mom's house.” This continued until finally one day he asked me: “So, do you wanna make a trip to my mom's house?”

Somehow we managed to get everybody, both English- and Japanese-speaking, to start calling it “Cologne's mom's house.” We're going to Cologne's mom's house, I wonder if they sell that at Cologne's mom's house, etc.

Yeah, it's one nonstop party in this dorm.

*

I just realised that my World of Philosophy class is a huge confluence of a bunch of otherwise unrelated spheres of my life, as I have now seen that my classmates include three girls from English Club, a guy from English Club, a guy from my Enjoyably Study Korean, and one of the girls who works at Cologne's mom's house.

*

Cologne to Tiny Chinese Girl: So on Thursday, just shower after you eat takoyaki!

*

Japanese teacher: I teach Japanese language to foreigners, of course, and I also teach Japanese students how to be Japanese language teachers. And I guess the main difference is, when I ask foreigners if they understand, they all yell “Yes!!” and scare the living daylights out of me. And when I ask the Japanese students if they understand, I get silence...and then I ask again, and if I'm lucky, I get (nods slightly).

*

Politics teacher: You treat this classroom like it's an extension of your living room!

Rude Boy: Makes sense, I treat the living room like an extension of my bedroom.

Everyone who lives with me: (laughs mirthlessly)

*

Mother Russia: i don't think i can go, i popped an inlay so i have to go to the dentist

Rude Boy: omfg are you ok???!!!

Mother Russia: thanks...yeah it's fine as long as i don't bite anything...best diet i've ever had, haha

*

I've won a lot of nice things from the periodic draws at Cologne's mom's house, but I also once won a little bottle of this absolutely vile-looking old guy energy drink that no one in the history of the world has ever wanted.

Two days in a row.

*

Rude Boy: Why do you feel the need to write your name all over every single thing I own? Fucking look at this shit...my textbooks, my homework, my computer, my arm...what, are you fucking marking your property or something?

Mother Russia: Hahahaha, I'm like a dog!

Rude Boy: Then I go to read my fucking book one day and I find this! (Indicates bookmark, which she pulled out of the book, placed on top, and wrote “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” upon next to a picture of a smirking pig.)

Mother Russia: Hahaha! Did you find your page again?

Rude Boy: Yes, because I remembered the number for some reason.

Mother Russia: Oh. Damn.

*

After watching like 25 episodes of Sailor Moon in three days, my way of speaking became extremely girly for the next several.

*

President: U drunk?

President: Lol

Rude Boy: maybe

Rude Boy: but not as drunk as you're about to be

*

Rude Boy: Jesus! It wasn't raining at all when I left the house.

Clerk at Cologne's mom's house: That's right. It wasn't raining up until just a little while ago, yes?

Rude Boy: Yeah. Man, I didn't even bring an umbrella.

Clerk: (to second, older clerk) Oh, there was an umbrella, wasn't there?

Second clerk: There was! (runs to the back)

Clerk: There may be an umbrella that someone forgot at the store.

There was, and they gave it to me. This is why I love 7-11 service. Also: Bullshitting with strangers 1, shyness 0.

*

Insufferable Dumbass: (to family over Skype) Yup, I think I lost the Speech Contest because I was meant to be a soccer referee.

Anarchy in the UK: (under breath) No, you lost the Speech Contest because you're awful.

*

Mother Russia: (pauses movie, removes headphones) Is this enjoyable for you?

Drunk Rude Boy: Kinda yeah.

Mother Russia: You can't even hear!

Drunk Rude Boy: (intentionally overselling) Just being with you is fun enough!

Mother Russia: Wow. Barf.

*

Rude Boy: What's Stonehenge actually like? I imagine it being like surrounded by city now, like that thing in the middle of Mecca.

Anarchy in the UK: No, it's in the middle of a giant field...that's actually so big the army uses it to blow things up.

*

Insufferable Dumbass: A lot of the people in this house don't speak well English.

*

I saw a girl walking down the street, carrying an entire door. Couldn't even decide if that seemed strange or not.

*

Lithuania: Do you know this site? It's like, for finding pen pals.

Rude Boy: A fucking website for finding pen pals? That's...that's like teleporting to the train station!

*

Cologne: I don't know if I want to go there, I hear it's just a bunch of Germans.

Rude Boy: You should totally go. You're great at German.

Cologne: But I don't really feel the need to practise.

*

At YVR I recognized a girl I'd sat near at Incheon.

A few days later, I saw her at my university.

Gaijin Tales! Mother Russia saying and doing things

Australzealand: Is that in Kansai? It takes about an hour to get from Kansai to Kyouto Station.

*

Australzealand: Then here in Kansai, everyone's like “homa ni” and “nan yan...”

*

Rude Boy: Going somewhere exciting?

Lithuania: Yeah!

(beat)

Rude Boy: Don't overwhelm me with detail.

Australzealand: Do you find your sarcasm sometimes lost on people here?

*

Insufferable Dumbass: Whatever, people are gonna talk behind my back. I'm used to it, even back home.

Big Finn: Have you ever tried to think about maybe why that is?

*

Rude Boy: i think my least favourite part was when i was complaining to one of my friends about how i often feel that i'm not being afforded the deference i would be were i japanese, and how i understand why it happens, but it's not about me needing to be the big man, it's about feeling disrespected

Rude Boy: and one of the other guys with us said "well, of COURSE you're not going to be respected. you just have to accept that this is japan."

Rude Boy: and i was like

Rude Boy: um

Rude Boy: no

Rude Boy: not an acceptable answer

Rude Boy: excuse me while i unfriend you in real life

*

Nara (turtle girl from before): She's mad.

Rude Boy: What, really? I didn't even notice.

Nara: Well, she is.

Rude Boy: What the hell did I do?

Nara: Probably nothing. But she's a girl.

*

Insufferable Dumbass: Emperor system and imperial system...are those the same thing?

*

Hot girl's shirt:

Want To Do You All

*LOVE GIRLS*

*

Rude Boy: I only have three beer.

Mother Russia: That's enough for you, right?

Rude Boy: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Mother Russia: :3

*

Mother Russia: I talked with the Russian girl today.

Rude Boy: In Russian?

Mother Russia: Yeah.

Rude Boy: And was she like, “Um, your pronunciation is perfect, but you speak like a small child...”

Mother Russia: Hahaha! No...but I could see it in her face.

*

Mother Russia: Good night, broken person!

*

Rude Boy: oh and because i was drunk and had been watching too much mad men i kept taking her lighter and lighting her cigarette for her last night loooooooooool

*

Mother Russia: It's supposed to look all relaxed...

Rude Boy: She doesn't look relaxed. Look at the position of her arms, she looks like she's masturbating.

Mother Russia: Well...that's pretty relaxing, right? :3

Rude Boy: Ha! Could be. But judging by her face she looks more into it than relaxed.

Mother Russia: Why do you keep saying 'she?'

Rude Boy: Who is it?

Mother Russia: Me!

Rude Boy: O...h!

*

(halfway through Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

Mother Russia: Do you like it?

Rude Boy: Yes, although I have some questions.

Mother Russia: “What is this movie about?”

*

Insufferable Dumbass: In Germany, is it pretty popular with the Japanese food?

*

Rude Boy: [Name]-CHAN!!

1kkaisei: YES!!

Rude Boy: YO!!

1kkaisei: GOOD AFTERNOON!!

Rude Boy: She's really energetic...

Genmaichan: Are you trying to say “young?”

Rude Boy: Maybe I am.

*

Rude Boy: want some cheeseburger pizza

Mother Russia: a mix of both?xD

*

Lithuania: You going to have some coffee with those sandwiches?

Rude Boy: Um...no? What the fuck?

Lithuania: Oh, it's pretty popular in Lithuania. Coffee or tea with sandwiches.

Rude Boy: ...I guess I can't talk. My country's national cuisine is French fries with gravy and cheese curds.

*

The moment when you find yourself in a busy footpath, stealthily trailing after some high school girls in the hopes of stealing a glance at their socks, you begin to question your life choices.

I was trying to figure out if they went to my old high school.

*

Rude Boy: Piss...cocks...fuck...

Lithuania: I wish you could hear yourself.

*

Lithuania: I'm gonna start watching Game of Thrones.

Rude Boy: You might not like it. Apparently there's a lot of fucking.

Lithuania: Yeah, one of my friends said it was more like Game of...“P.”

Rude Boy: …“Piss?”

Lithuania: No! Other “P!”

Rude Boy: Game of...Penises?

Lithuania: No! P o...

Rude Boy: ...oh, “Porn!!”

Lithuania: Yes!!

Rude Boy: Now I'm curious about Game of Piss, though.

*

Rude Boy: I saw something horrifying today.

Lithuania: What was it?

Rude Boy: Do you know those giant spiky caterpillars? I saw one on the sidewalk on the way home, and a hornet was just stripping the fuzzy part off its body...

Lithuania: That's terrible!

Rude Boy: ...and it was thrashing around and trying to push it off like “No, stop!”

Lithuania: Oh, see! That's it, right? You have the right to defend yourself from the attacking caterpillar!

Rude Boy: Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure the caterpillar was just minding its own business and the wasp was like “Oh hey, food!”

Lithuania: Haha.

Rude Boy: Like if I had to kill to eat, I would obviously try to do it in such a way as to inflict as little pain as possible. But it didn't even kill the caterpillar, it was just like “I'm gonna start from the back,” and just started eating it alive.

Lithuania: That's intense!

Rude Boy: And I'm like, what's my responsibility here?

Lithuania: You should never interfere with nature.

Rude Boy: Right, and even if I did, what then? The same exact thing is going on in a forest somewhere right now. I can't be there every time it happens. It's not like I can just end all suffering. It really got me thinking about how nothing we do matters and we're all fucked...it was a very depressing existential moment.

Lithuania: So what did you do?

Rude Boy: Well, I just left it there.

Lithuania: What! Probably this was a test from God, and you faaaaaailed!

Rude Boy: Doubt it. Do you understand “Deism?” The idea that God exists, but doesn't interfere with the affairs of this world. Cause it's the old argument, either God is impotent, or He is wicked, or He doesn't exist.

Lithuania: This conversation got deep fast.

Rude Boy: I'll show you deep fast. Anyway that wasn't even the worst part. When I went back to school a couple of hours later, it was there in the same spot, only now being torn apart by a small army of ants. And it was still thrashing around like “Nooooo!”

Lithuania: Oh my God! You should have just stomped them allllll!

Rude Boy: Well, maybe I should have at least stepped on the caterpillar's head. Just to be merciful.

*

When I learn a new word, I often spend the next little while trying to insert it into conversation as often as possible, frequently employing it even in instances where I would normally say something else, or stitching together extremely tenuous excuses to try it out. I assume this is normal for most people learning a second language. Partly this is for practise, partly it's to check if I'm using it correctly, and partly it's just excitement. It's like getting a new toy toy to play with.

Part of studying a language formally means memorizing long lists of vocabulary that seems 99% useless. Like “constabulary” or “positron.” When in hell am I ever going to need a word like that? Even if I do, I'm better off looking it up when these specialized situations do crop up, and instead devoting my study time to more common words and phrases.

That said, when, in the course of your day, in some conversation or on some sign, you do encounter a word or kanji that you had to memorize for a test, the feeling is downright magical.

And you know what's even better? To struggle and struggle to grasp the nuance of a grammatical pattern, to hear it but not comprehend it, to come up with a half-dozen example sentences but not be sure if they're right...and then one day, unprecedented, have the spontaneous urge to use the construction in a sentence you're already in the middle of saying. These are the days when you've got this whole language-learning thing under control, you are worldly and educated and intelligent, you really are making progress, and have not been spending hundreds of hours of your life for nothing.

Then usually the next day you can't understand when the konbini clerk asks if you want a bag or not and you feel like the densest sack of shit who's ever walked this earth, which is why you sort of learn to savour the small victories.

*

Once when I was eating an ice cream cone, Mother Russia took it from me, ate the top part, and then gave it back with a huge groove in the surface of the ice cream, because she'd tried to rake it out with her teeth to avoid eating the cone.

Rude Boy: Um.

Mother Russia: Because of my diet, remember! I can't eat carbs!

Rude Boy: Uh-huh. Did you...need some help with this? >_>

Mother Russia: Yeah!!

Aaaaand so we started swapping, with me filing down the cone for her, and her eating as much of the revealed ice cream as she could before handing it back to me to continue my work. Then I pulled out a second one...which she stole, but this time got impatient, grabbed a spoon, and, after a few minutes, gave me back the empty cone.

Rude Boy: Oh, thank you so much. I'm so super excited to eat my, fucking...hard, dry bread.

Another time, she drank four coolers, I drank four beer, and then took down another half beer before she noticed that I was slowing down and just finished it off for me, without asking. Then she took my last beer, also without asking, and drank that too.

She can drink me under the table. It's awesome.

And finally, continuing with the theme of “Mother Russia ganking all my stuff,” she also sometimes takes my meat when I get a bentou, because she knows I don't really like it.

Rude Boy: Wow, you must really like having my meat in your mouth.

Mother Russia: I do!

Rude Boy: Hehe.

Australzealand: -.-

*

Japanese language teacher: What do you know about Liberia?

Chinese student: It's a very cold place, right?

Japanese language teacher: Isn't that...Siberia?

*

On the spur of the moment, I decided to go downtown. I realised partway there that I'd just made two transfers without paying any attention to what I was doing, my mind occupied by the more pressing concerns of essay topics and homework. After taking a stroll through some of my favourite areas, I decided I was hungry and stopped at Subway, where I noted that they'd hired a new girl. I dropped in at my local Round1 for a few rounds of Wang at Midnight before remembering that I needed to pick up Part 2 of 1Q84; considering the locations of nearby bookstores, I opted for Junkudou, in a spot I rarely visit but certainly not far out of my way. Finally I checked BookOff for any desirable new stock before heading home. A year ago I couldn't have found any of these places even if you'd given me a map.

Gaijin Tales! Couch Wars

Insufferable Dumbass: (encountering me coincidentally at post office, very excited) Rude Boy, what the fuck are you doing here?!

Rude Boy: ...Calisthenics class.

Insufferable Dumbass: Really?

*

Rude Boy: (stares at legs of passing girl for several seconds, then checks out her face)

Girl: (not impressed)

Rude Boy: (no sense trying to hide it now, goes back to staring at legs)

*

Jugs: why are there fingers

Jugs: in mouths?

Rude Boy: because europeans apparently think that that is acceptable

Jugs: ...

Jugs: in what context?

Jugs: like

Jugs: just

Jugs: here let me suck on my fingers?

Rude Boy: just kickin' it in the common room

Rude Boy: no. here let me pick shit out of my teeth for the next seven hours straight

Jugs: hmm.

Rude Boy: oh i spilled a little food on one of my fingers, transferring it into my mouth requires swallowing my entire hand

Jugs: hahaha

Rude Boy: its soooo gross ;_;

*

Rude Boy: Can you break 500 yen?

German guy: (looking at the hard metal coin) Um...probably, if I had the tools?

*

Going for a stroll downtown, a young woman standing with a rollybag on the sidewalk at Shijou and Teramachi stopped me to ask for directions. The way she talked, she seemed to (correctly) assume I was a local, which made me wonder, did I just seem especially comfortable in my surroundings? Was I walking with purpose and confidence, as though I knew where I was going? Or perhaps I merely lacked a wide-eyed tourist gape? Occam's Razor says I was simply white, but I was by no means the only white person around, and she chose to grab me. Anyway, I was happy to help.

Not long after, I was walking alongside an old man who caught sight of me out the corner of his eye, did a startled double-take, and proceeded to openly stare for a solid five or six seconds. Um. This is Kyouto. There's not exactly a shortage of us. “Where are you from?” he asked in English, and I told him, at which point he seemed to realise he had exhausted his vocabulary. Luckily he reached his destination at almost exactly that moment, and excused himself with a smile.

Sitting on the local train home, waiting for the semi-express to go around us, I spied a girl waiting at another track who was a dead ringer for one of my ex-girlfriends. It's like I was looking right at her. Bizarre.

It wasn't a particularly eventful or exciting day, but somehow these three things made it feel like a good one.

*

A motorcycle, a van, two more motorcycles driving in convoy at 2 am.

Yeah that's not suspicious at all.

*

Anarchy in the UK: I'm trying to teach Taiwan about banter...and how it's different from just being abusive.

*

Anarchy in the UK: (enters room)

Rude Boy: Hey Anarchy in the UK, I dreamed you and I took a bath together.

Anarhcy in the UK: That's...the weirdest greeting I've ever gotten.

*

Rude Boy: Are we in Daylight Savings yet?

J-friend: That's in the summer, and we don't have it here.

Her boyfriend (only half-joking): Typical Canadian! The five countries that think they're the centre of the universe? Canada, America, the UK, France, and China.

J-friend: And Korea.

Her boyfriend: Oh yeah, and Korea. Ok fine, maybe not Canada.

*

Anarchy in the UK: Those girls are properly staring at us.

Rude Boy: (distracted) Yeah, let me count how many fucks I give. I'm done.

*

Insufferable Dumbass: No offence, but I'm pretty sure I have better rights than you.

German girl: Like the right to higher education? Or medical care?

*

Hot girl's T-shirt: Snort cocaine, fuck a lot, get pregnant, break bones. Red Loght District.

*

Cologne: (comes in and sits down)

Insufferable Dumbass: (laughs his customary deranged squawk, yells something incoherent into Skype)

Rude Boy: Yeah, it's been this way all morning.

Cologne: Maybe I should go back to bed.

*

Cologne: Insufferable Dumbass wants so badly to be a ladies' man...but he's closer to being a ladyboy.

*

Girls' bar guy: Excuse me, gentlemen, looking for a girls' bar? Good evening, feel like touching some boobs tonight? Hello there Mr. Foreigner, come on in, practise your Japanese!

*

Rude Boy: insufferable dumbass from america just recently discovered the phrase "sou nan?" except he says "sou na?" because his choukai sucks cocks

Rude Boy: and he also recently discovered the word "yabai" as well as the fact that you can use it at basically any time for no particular reason

Rude Boy: so he uses it, sometimes, just over and over again, like 5 or six times per minute. sometimes per second.

Rude Boy: resulting in sentences like, "yabai, yabai. kore ha yabai. ah, yabai. yabai, yabai. yabai." exact quote

Soymilk: Honestly

Soymilk: I think that's pretty natural

Soymilk: If anything

Soymilk: He's lacking yabais

Soymilk: A lot of stupid Japanese people talk like that.

*

Australzealand: He ate my horse! You son of a bitch.

*

I used to leave my cell phone in the common room whenever I took a nap.

Mother Russia: hellooooo lonely keitai!

Mother Russia: aww :( need a hug?

I don't anymore.

*

Anarchy in the UK: And another thing, Insufferable Dumbass thinks it's absolutely amazing that the Italians can understand each other when they speak Italian quickly...I'm like, you idiot, that would be like if I spoke in really fast English to you.

*

One of my blood sisters: Hey Rude Boy! I'm in town again for another couple of weeks. Are you finished exams yet? Do you have time to meet?

Rude Boy: That would be great, except I've been living in Japan for the last seven months and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

Rude Boy: I finish my exams in late July or early August.

*

Insufferable Dumbass: No, you have to do it like this...

Mother Russia: I'll do it however I want.

Insufferable Dumbass: Rude Boy, do something!

Rude Boy: If you think that I can control her, you've severely misunderstood how this works.

*

Australzealand: All I know is, black centre, two petals.

Anarchy in the UK: Uh, three petals?

Rude Boy: Four petals?

Australzealand: ...Wow. The Commonwealth really needs to get its shit together.

*

Tiny Korean Girl learning to ride a bike.

I almost died from cuteness overload.

*

In past posts I have mentioned “my” couch, which is mine in the sense that I have staked such a firm Lockean claim to it that no else dares use it. Eventually, every piece of furniture in all common rooms was replaced. Where before twin couches had sat, we now had a couch and two chairs. Disastrously, the two chairs were placed in my spot, throwing off my entire life. Cough Medicine and Big Finn observed this development with amusement, wondering what I would do.

After a dissatisfying experiment in angling the two chairs into a makeshift couch, I simply swapped things around, but Cologne tipped me off that somebody had it in for me. They were planning to switch them back again, just to fuck with me, but he wouldn't say who, because he wanted to watch the war. (Mother Russia thinks it was him all along.) To prevent their machinations, I gathered as much random shit from about the common room as I possibly could and spread it across my new couch, to make moving it more effort than it was worth. My plan succeeded, and I thought it was over. But then! Days later, they made good on their threat!

There was only one thing to do. I waited until 4 am one lonely weeknight, that I would be the only waking person in the entire dorm. Then I stole to the little-used second-floor common room and ganked their couch. Though bulky and awkward, it was actually mostly hollow inside, and I had no problems carrying it up the stairs by myself; turning on its side made short work of the hairpin hallways leading to the common room. In exchange, I gave our chairs to the second floor. Your move, pranksters!

They went with turning both couches and their attendant table 90 degrees. That was just stupid and not even funny anymore, so I simply turned them both back and there have been no developments since.

Australzealand: How did we get two couches?

Rude Boy: Yeah, that's so weird, I have no idea how that happened.

Australzealand: Suuuuuure. ;)

I like to picture several second-floor residents standing around their four chairs and frowning in confusion.

Gaijin Tales! The taste of a woman

Kojak: If I could just sign a deal where I just smoke and drink everyday and suffer no consequences, but then I die at 40, I would just do it. 20 years of fun and then die! No problem, it's a good deal for me.

Cough Medicine: Wait, what?

Big Finn: Kojak's going to being an alcoholic and die at 40.

(beat)

Cough Medicine: (deadpan) That sounds magical.

*

Me: In Canada by now everybody's in winter jackets, gloves, toques...

Anarchy in the UK: What the hell is a toque?

Me: A toque? It's...well, you know. It's like...a toque! It's a toque! You know, like...it's like a winter hat.

Anarchy in the UK: Oh, a bobble hat!

Me: You've seriously never heard them called toques...?

Anarchy in the UK: Australzealand, have you ever heard of a toque? Like a hat for winter.

Australzealand: What, you mean like a teacozy?

*

Insufferable Dumbass: Is it ok if I write “20” in English? Like, Roman numerals?

*

Insufferable Dumbass: We have four kinds of sauces!

Rude Boy: Well, three. One's just salt.

Insufferable Dumbass: Salt's a kind of sauce.

Rude Boy: ...no.

Insufferable Dumbass: We could say we have four types of seasonings.

Rude Boy: Yes, sure, that's better.

Insufferable Dumbass: And sauce is a type of seasoning. Salt is a type of seasoning. So salt is a type of sauce!

Rude Boy: …

*

Girl who's recently started keeping a turtle: (excited) Every day I change his water, and when I get home I go 'Ahh, you must have been lonely!' so I tap on his glass to wake him up and say hi and he's like (slowly opens eyes, looks pissed off) 'What the fuck do you want?' He's so cute!!

*

Genmaicha: There aren't that many lesbians in Japan...

Me: I wouldn't be so sure. I mean I don't know, but I would guess that there's as many here as anywhere else.

Genmaicha: Could be...I do have a few lesbian friends.

Me: Really? They're open about it?

Genmaicha: Not to everybody. They mostly hide it except with people they know.

Me: Yeah, that's exactly my point! Lesbians and gay men are everywhere, they just don't talk about it. Especially in Japan. You probably know a lot more than you realise.

Genmaicha: Yeah, you're probably right...one of my friends became a lesbian when she got into an all-girls high school.

Me: Uh, yeah, she was probably always a lesbian and just didn't notice until then.

Genmaicha: No, I think going to that school made her appreciate girls more...before that she was normal.

Me: “Normal?” Watch your words.

Genmaicha: Ah, yeah! I guess to her, being a lesbian IS normal.

Me: …

*

Rude Boy: What class you just have?

Friend from English Club: Information Something-or-other.

Rude Boy: What'd you study?

Friend: No idea. I didn't really understand it so I just texted under my desk the whole time.

Rude Boy: Ok, so are there any cuties in that class?

Friend: Don't know, I've only been twice.

Rude Boy: We're ten weeks in.

Friend: Yeah.

Rude Boy: I think you might fail.

Friend: I think you might be right.

*

Head Teacher: But what if a girl you weren't interested in asked you to go somewhere on Christmas, and you said no, and then later she asked if you wanted to eat dinner together? Would you be able to refuse her a second time?

Rude Boy: Hey, even friends can eat dinner together, so I'd be ok with it.

Head Teacher: Even if you knew that what she really wanted was to make some progress with you.

Rude Boy: Well, I'd feel bad...

Head Teacher: So in the end you wouldn't be able to refuse her...interesting. You're very Japanese, Rude Boy-san.

Rude Boy: Haha, yeah, I get that sometimes.

Head Teacher: Although, come to think of it, when I was studying in America all the professors doing research on Japan were a little bit Japanese. And all the Japanese exchange students were really American. I guess in the end, everyone gravitates to the place whose people are the most similar to themselves.

*

*Cologne has a conversation in German*

*Rude Boy obnoxiously picks a phrase at random and tries to imitate him*

*cue five minutes of pronunciation adjustment*

Rude Boy: Ich habe ein Papagei auf meiner Schulter.

Cologne: Great! That means “I have a parrot on my shoulder.”

*

No “irasshaimase” as I enter. No acknowledgment as I file past you to grab my one chocolate bar. A solid 60-second wait as you dick around with whatever you're doing that's more important than the customer at the register. Barely being able to hear you as you announce the price without enthusiasm.

Here, asshole. Break 10,000.

*

Science & Technology class went on a field trip to the Miyako Ecology Centre in southern Kyouto. I realised once I got there that I'd already been, in high school, when me and Guy from Philadelphia went on kougaigakushuu every Friday. It's not bad. The place is itself a model of an energy-conserving building, in addition to being a kind of kid's museum, which is a fun concept. The staff were basically the cast of Orange Days. At the end the guy asked if we had any questions and I said I didn't, but that was a lie. Why did you take this job? What qualifications are required? Do you enjoy it? Do you have a girlfriend? If so, what's she like? If not, are you looking? If so, what kind of girl are you looking for? If not, why not? I always wonder these things about people.

*

Korean girl trying marzipan for the first time: It's...the taste of a woman.

*

Rude Boy: I mean I seriously never thought I'd ever be on the jukujo team...

Brighteyes: I thought you were just on the “women” team.

*

Cologne: I'm so tired...when we get home I'm going straight to bed. I'm not even going to drink a beer.

Gaijin Tales! Spooning and the Curse of Years

A lot of foreigners here talk about getting stared at, and I certainly had that experience a few years ago, yet now that I live in a much smaller area I don't. Even my dormmates talk about it, and yet I'm spared. So what's up? Can they smell the Japan on me? Have I developed a distinctly Japanese gait? Have they finally succeeded in converting me?

I did, however, catch the sidelong eye of a half-cut 20-something as I was walking home after some Midnight Nakau, her swaying along in my general vicinity. After the third round she saw me seeing her and scurried away a bit.

Girl: いぇーい。

Me: (thoroughly amused) 何か？

Her (giggles, starts to go into a restaurant)

Me: 楽しんでな！

Her: うん！

*

“Wait a second,” I say. “At the tabehoudai just now I ended up getting four beer for 500 yen. And at this bar I just paid 600 for one.”

My four Japanese companions raise their glasses in unison: “Welcome to Japan!”

*

The last time I bought ice cream at the Circle K, the girl behind the counter gave me, not one of the tongue depressers they usually dole out, but a real, honest-to-god plastic spoon, with star shapes cut out of the handle, even.

Me: You know this means she has a crush on me.

Anarchy in the UK: Today, it's a spoon, tomorrow, spooning.

*

Hecuba: I'm cold.

Me: Are you kidding?

Hecuba: This is like a Hong Kong winter.

Me: This is like Canada in the middle of July.

*

Walking through down the Sanjoubashi riverbank I saw an older white guy forlornly seated on a low wall. In at least his 50's, he looked morose and dejected, beer in hand, all alone. I imagined that he was probably out for some young pussy, banking on the rumours he'd heard of Japanese girls being crazy for the white dick, and so he'd come to this hangout spot only to find that nobody was interested in a sad, ugly old man. What a loser, I thought.

And then I thought, oh God, that's going to be me in a few years, isn't it?

*

I'd been too busy and too lazy to buy a Halloween costume for the dormitory party, but in a flash of half-assed inspiration I realised that if I pulled some stuff out of my closet and arranged it in just such a way, I could totally pass as a cowboy.

"What are you," people asked me, "a serial killer?"

It's nice to know that when I wear my normal clothes, I look like a serial killer.