Gaijin Tales! The taste of a woman

Kojak: If I could just sign a deal where I just smoke and drink everyday and suffer no consequences, but then I die at 40, I would just do it. 20 years of fun and then die! No problem, it's a good deal for me.

Cough Medicine: Wait, what?

Big Finn: Kojak's going to being an alcoholic and die at 40.

(beat)

Cough Medicine: (deadpan) That sounds magical.

*

Me: In Canada by now everybody's in winter jackets, gloves, toques...

Anarchy in the UK: What the hell is a toque?

Me: A toque? It's...well, you know. It's like...a toque! It's a toque! You know, like...it's like a winter hat.

Anarchy in the UK: Oh, a bobble hat!

Me: You've seriously never heard them called toques...?

Anarchy in the UK: Australzealand, have you ever heard of a toque? Like a hat for winter.

Australzealand: What, you mean like a teacozy?

*

Insufferable Dumbass: Is it ok if I write “20” in English? Like, Roman numerals?

*

Insufferable Dumbass: We have four kinds of sauces!

Rude Boy: Well, three. One's just salt.

Insufferable Dumbass: Salt's a kind of sauce.

Rude Boy: ...no.

Insufferable Dumbass: We could say we have four types of seasonings.

Rude Boy: Yes, sure, that's better.

Insufferable Dumbass: And sauce is a type of seasoning. Salt is a type of seasoning. So salt is a type of sauce!

Rude Boy: …

*

Girl who's recently started keeping a turtle: (excited) Every day I change his water, and when I get home I go 'Ahh, you must have been lonely!' so I tap on his glass to wake him up and say hi and he's like (slowly opens eyes, looks pissed off) 'What the fuck do you want?' He's so cute!!

*

Genmaicha: There aren't that many lesbians in Japan...

Me: I wouldn't be so sure. I mean I don't know, but I would guess that there's as many here as anywhere else.

Genmaicha: Could be...I do have a few lesbian friends.

Me: Really? They're open about it?

Genmaicha: Not to everybody. They mostly hide it except with people they know.

Me: Yeah, that's exactly my point! Lesbians and gay men are everywhere, they just don't talk about it. Especially in Japan. You probably know a lot more than you realise.

Genmaicha: Yeah, you're probably right...one of my friends became a lesbian when she got into an all-girls high school.

Me: Uh, yeah, she was probably always a lesbian and just didn't notice until then.

Genmaicha: No, I think going to that school made her appreciate girls more...before that she was normal.

Me: “Normal?” Watch your words.

Genmaicha: Ah, yeah! I guess to her, being a lesbian IS normal.

Me: …

*

Rude Boy: What class you just have?

Friend from English Club: Information Something-or-other.

Rude Boy: What'd you study?

Friend: No idea. I didn't really understand it so I just texted under my desk the whole time.

Rude Boy: Ok, so are there any cuties in that class?

Friend: Don't know, I've only been twice.

Rude Boy: We're ten weeks in.

Friend: Yeah.

Rude Boy: I think you might fail.

Friend: I think you might be right.

*

Head Teacher: But what if a girl you weren't interested in asked you to go somewhere on Christmas, and you said no, and then later she asked if you wanted to eat dinner together? Would you be able to refuse her a second time?

Rude Boy: Hey, even friends can eat dinner together, so I'd be ok with it.

Head Teacher: Even if you knew that what she really wanted was to make some progress with you.

Rude Boy: Well, I'd feel bad...

Head Teacher: So in the end you wouldn't be able to refuse her...interesting. You're very Japanese, Rude Boy-san.

Rude Boy: Haha, yeah, I get that sometimes.

Head Teacher: Although, come to think of it, when I was studying in America all the professors doing research on Japan were a little bit Japanese. And all the Japanese exchange students were really American. I guess in the end, everyone gravitates to the place whose people are the most similar to themselves.

*

*Cologne has a conversation in German*

*Rude Boy obnoxiously picks a phrase at random and tries to imitate him*

*cue five minutes of pronunciation adjustment*

Rude Boy: Ich habe ein Papagei auf meiner Schulter.

Cologne: Great! That means “I have a parrot on my shoulder.”

*

No “irasshaimase” as I enter. No acknowledgment as I file past you to grab my one chocolate bar. A solid 60-second wait as you dick around with whatever you're doing that's more important than the customer at the register. Barely being able to hear you as you announce the price without enthusiasm.

Here, asshole. Break 10,000.

*

Science & Technology class went on a field trip to the Miyako Ecology Centre in southern Kyouto. I realised once I got there that I'd already been, in high school, when me and Guy from Philadelphia went on kougaigakushuu every Friday. It's not bad. The place is itself a model of an energy-conserving building, in addition to being a kind of kid's museum, which is a fun concept. The staff were basically the cast of Orange Days. At the end the guy asked if we had any questions and I said I didn't, but that was a lie. Why did you take this job? What qualifications are required? Do you enjoy it? Do you have a girlfriend? If so, what's she like? If not, are you looking? If so, what kind of girl are you looking for? If not, why not? I always wonder these things about people.

*

Korean girl trying marzipan for the first time: It's...the taste of a woman.

*

Rude Boy: I mean I seriously never thought I'd ever be on the jukujo team...

Brighteyes: I thought you were just on the “women” team.

*

Cologne: I'm so tired...when we get home I'm going straight to bed. I'm not even going to drink a beer.